Maintaining Your Authentic Self in Relationships
Do you ever feel like you lose your sense of self when you are in a relationship? As women, so much of who we know ourselves to be is in relation to others. We are daughters, girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, etc. Those relationships often mirror back parts of who we are, who we wish we could be, and who we wish we weren't.
You may have noticed that you feel differently around certain people; you seem to access things in yourself with one person that you simply can't replicate with someone else. Some people you feel attracted to and others repel you. Some leave you feeling refreshed while others leave you feeling drained. Still other people simply are on the periphery not impacting or affecting you in one way or another.
It can make you question who you are underneath all of this. Which YOU is your most authentic self? And how do you go about maintaining your authentic self in relationships?
The way I see it, each of your relationships bring out unique aspects of your authentic self. In Human Design, we talk about True Self and Not Self. They are both part of who you are. The goal is not to eradicate your Not Self, but rather to foster a relationship with it that allows you to witness it and not let it run the show. This is about becoming curious and experimenting with how you are meant to move through the world. It is also about giving yourself, and others, grace and space to navigate life in their own unique way, which is possible by taking the time to understand yourself and those around you on a deep, energetic level.
When you move beyond just knowing this information and truly embody it with your daily choices and practices, your relationships have the ability to shift if even if you are the only person that has this knowledge. This is because it changes how you approach the connection you have with yourself and others. You may learn that you have been taking on other people's stress, fears, emotions, or way of thinking and actually distorting it and making it mean something about you, them, or the relationship itself that isn't true.
Learning about your Human Design chart can help you understand where specifically these distortions are coming from. You can begin to recognize how it feels in your body when you are activated in a particular way and notice the specific stories that your mind is telling you about what it means or the decisions you should make in reaction to it. To me, this is simply an act of becoming a healthier version of your authentic self when in relationship with others. And that can have a ripple effect. While the other person may or may not ever change, the way the interactions play out can shift through one person making a different choice. Often that different choice comes from realizing that you do not have control over what anyone else says, does, or thinks. The person in this world you have the most control over is you.
When someone isn't open to your point of view, does things in a way that seems inefficient, stresses you out physically or mentally, or brings big emotions that you can't handle, you may want to try to control or fix them because of how it is impacting you. One of the most freeing things I have experienced was reorienting my mind around what was happening. They are not doing these things TO me. They are being themselves (whether that is True Self or Not Self) and I am taking in what they are emitting and amplifying it. I am the one who perceives what is happening and I get to be the one responsible for maintaining my own well-being by making choices that are healthy for me. I still don't do it perfectly and likely never will, but it has been extremely helpful for me to have a guide with the Human Design BodyGraph to understand where the energy is coming from and why.
In addition to all of this, you are always evolving as a human being, so your sense of your authentic self is also shifting. The beliefs you had, and actions you took, at one point in your life may no longer resonate with you. As we experience this growth, our long term relationships may involve tension or conflict. Not everyone is growing at the same pace or in the same direction and that can be really uncomfortable. If you are someone who tends to walk on eggshells or try to keep the peace, that can also keep you feeling unable to be your whole self in certain relationships. It can be helpful to realize that may simply be who you are able to currently show up as in those relationships. Give yourself compassion as you move through the Deconditioning and recognize that everything happens in its own timing and can't be rushed.
The process of Deconditioning in Human Design is about learning how to honor your body's intelligence, Inner Authority, and somatic indicators over the stories of the mind. The mind has many gifts, but it is not a place from which we are meant to make decisions that guide our life. It is here to provide a source of Outer Authority to others from our own unique inspirations, ideas, and insights. It often takes on this role of protecting us due to past conditioning, but it is the body that knows what is healthy for us to engage with (or not). As you slow down and witness yourself moving through the world, you are able to access awareness in real time about how you specifically experience your conditioning in different relationships. This is the first step to making different choices that help you move into an even healthier version of the authentic self that you are already being each day!
Who you are, and how you feel in your mind and body, may shift from relationship to relationship, depending on how your energy connects with each individual person. Remember, others are also feeling similarly as you as you bring out unique attributes in them through your connection. And once you get into groups of three or more the changes can become even more apparent. It can be helpful to have time in your own space where you are able to be reminded who you are at your core when you aren't taking in the energy of those around you.
There can be a number of factors that point to specifically to why you feel like you are losing your sense of self when are in relationships, romantic or otherwise. I look at those possibilities with clients through the lens of Human Design as we explore the depths of the Human Design BodyGraph. There are over 2 billion ways that a chart can come together, and it is based on the date, time, and location of your birth. Each person has a unique Human Design BodyGraph and when two people connect there is a third energy, and chart, that is created which can explain even more nuances about a specific relationship. If you are new to Human Design or need a refresher on your chart, you can generate either a Traditional or Relationship chart for free here.
If you are looking to feel empowered and supported as you learn your unique Human Design or the Design of your relationships, I would be honored to be a resource for you. Discover how we can work together.
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